I Don't Belong Here

My last illness-related post was titled: "Life Before and After". The last few months has quickly reminded me that there will be lots and lots of "afters". After diagnosis, after surgery, after radiation. The latest installment is chemotherapy, and I am in my last days of the 'before', starting Tuesday I am a chemotherapy patient.

I got my license back on June 3. My 30 days of radiation concluded on June 4. On June 5, I turned 37 years old. June was a pretty decent month.

We knew that after radiation, I would be recommended to complete a regiment of chemotherapy. I learned in late June that this regiment would be a 6 week cycle consisting of two different oral medications and one medication administered twice via infusion.

And this 6-week cycle repeats a total of six times. SIX. So 36 weeks of chemotherapy. Yipe.

Some of the bubbles to watch while you wait.

MD Anderson is an amazing facility. Everyone that works there is pleasant, joyful even, and the cutting edge work they are doing is incredible. That being said, as I sit in the waiting rooms - so many waiting rooms - watching the fish, or the bubbles or just watching the other people who all have their own version of my white patient bracelet, all I can think is - I don't belong here. My husband and I hold hands as we walk the halls from elevator to elevator, behind countless other couples doing the exact same thing. That makes sense. We're in this together. We just aren't 'supposed' to be in this yet. According to the average age of other couples at MDA, we are about 30 years premature in this horrible journey.

We returned to MDA last week to repeat testing to ensure there are no major mental deficits after my surgery, conduct a new 'baseline' MRI and learn the specifics of my next treatment.

This is my brain. This is my brain after surgery.

My MRI looks as good as it can, lots of tumor is gone, much of the remaining area could be scar tissue or swelling, the doctors that know what they're looking at are pleased. It is a strange thing, looking at a picture of your head with a huge hole where there used to be brain and being told its a good thing, all is well, everything went as well as possible. But the thing is, my next 9 months will be spent getting blood work done each week, having MRIs every 6 weeks and taking very potent drugs in pill form and intravenously. My diet needs to be altered (no fermented foods including cheese, soy sauce, cured meats, alcohol, and lots of other random things - but CHEESE!! And WINE!!!), I will probably be super tired, potentially nauseated, and lots of other, less common side effects. I'm hoping for the best - and doing my best to prepare for the worst.

I'm pretty scared. I am back in the anticipatory wait-for-what-comes-next chair and this time it will be a much longer ride from when the Before becomes the After.

Wish me luck.

Virginia Vacation 2018

We made it to Virginia! Despite all of the uncertainty of this year, we were thrilled to be able to continue our annual tradition of escaping the Texas heat to enjoy the Virginia heat. This vacation came at the sweet spot between my FINAL DAY of radiation and BEFORE I needed to return to MD Anderson for an MRI and chemotherapy instructions. It was a vacation in many forms - and allowed me to pretend I'm not sick for awhile.

Our first destination was the Northern Neck at my parent's lovely river estate house. I flew alone with the kids and was joined by my brother, sister-in-law, their baby bump and two enormous golden retrievers for the first couple of nights. Then we were additionally joined by our former neighbor/great friend Jenn who traveled alone with her three children to spend a few nights with us on the water. It was a blast! 

For the first time in months I broke out my nice camera to get some s'more-making photos. 

Grammy was the keeper of the sweets - which was a good job considering my kids would eat the entire bag of marshmallows if allowed. 

Alex approves! He loves s'mores!

Look at how happy my mom is! It's been a long time since I wrote about it, but she is also going through a persistent cancer struggle of her own. After fighting her cancer four times, four different ways over the course of four years, she came to Houston this year to pursue treatment at MD Anderson. This treatment was the most cutting-edge, technologically advanced treatment available and took her from having detectable tumors to being completely cancer-free in 30 days. It was a horrific 30 days, with continuing fatigue and other lingering side-effects, but here she is 2.5 months post-treatment hosting multiple families with lots of little, energetic children, and making s'mores on a fire pit. I call that a win!

Here's our little (more accurately, young. He's not exactly little...) firecracker. He doesn't sit still, he doesn't play gently, and he is one of the cutest little ones I've ever come across. We are lucky that my parents had a long training exercise with our kids over the last few months so that they knew exactly what they were getting into with our visit.

Gretchen and Alex had a blast with their buddy Henry. He holds borderline celebrity status in our house. 

Then we had the good fortune of being in town for my brother and sister-in-law's baby shower! It was such a joy meeting their friends, and celebrating our future niece! Yes, that golden retriever was on their baby registry. Yes, it was enormous. Yes, I thought it was a bit creepy. But the kids ADORED it! We had lots of fun staying in Richmond at my brother's lovely home with his family. 

After the shower weekend, we pivoted and spent the next week with Jon's family in another part of Virginia. What a beautiful state that can have some many lovely destinations! 

My mother-in-law arranged for a family photography session at the end of our visit, the photos were beautifully done! This series was my favorite - both because our family photo is great and because a few seconds later Alex decided he was mad and didn't want to participate anymore. It was classic.

We took a tour of the Caverns at Natural Bridge and got to see some beautiful, underground formations. The kids really enjoyed it - especially the part where they turned out the lights (to demonstrate what the first cave explorers experienced) and Alex's Star Wars sweatshirt glowed like the sun.

Lightening bug capturing was another huge hit! They stayed alive and glowed for a few nights!

We spent the 4th of July in Lexington, VA and enjoyed their town bike parade (Halle and Alex had lots of fun even if their faces don't show it).  We had a great time enjoying every single person in our immediate families - I can't remember the last time we saw EVERYONE in such a short period of time! This was truly a vacation from home, and from reality - I was able to nap almost every day, our kids had fun day after fun day for a full two weeks and I had lots and lots of extra hands to help shoulder the responsibility of life!